


How To Cheat

by GenericUsername01



Series: Chess Games [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Chess, Fluff, Gen, Humor, some grade-a bullshit presented by james tiberius kirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 13:47:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18477478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenericUsername01/pseuds/GenericUsername01
Summary: "Okay, so last week I said it was impossible to cheat at chess, but I've thought about it since then, and I've decided there is one way. But only one way," Jim said. "Do you want to know what it is?"Spock nodded, eyes gleaming with interest.Jim began setting up the board, giving himself white. "This is going to take a bit of imagination, and I'm going to need you to just roll with it, okay? No logical protests," he said. "Now. All the pieces are living, sentient people, with their own free will."Spock arched an eyebrow. "Even the rooks?"Jim nodded. "Even the rooks."





	How To Cheat

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by that one tumblr post
> 
> this didn't turn out half as funny as it was in the post or in my head, but hey, what can ya do about it?

Spock buzzed at the door and Jim gave a quick command for it to open, already clearing off the table and setting out his beat up old chess set. It was crude and battered and made of cheap plastic, had absolutely nothing on Spock's elegant antiques-- hand-carved, felted, and magnetic.

But really, a chess set was a chess set, and Jim couldn't care less as long as it did the job. He had only recently started playing again anyway, and solely against Spock. He loved the game, sure, would love to play it more often, but something about it just seemed so deeply personal and intimate, impossible to engage in with someone he didn't know well.

Didn't even champion competitors study their opponents before sitting down to a match?

Spock was wearing his civilian robes, Vulcan clothes in dark, rich colors, and appeared to float across the room to take his seat. Jim felt his cheeks and ears burn, and cleared his throat awkwardly.

Was regretting the sweatpants right about now.

"Okay, so last week I said it was impossible to cheat at chess, but I've thought about it since then, and I've decided there is one way. But only one way," Jim said. "Do you want to know what it is?"

Spock nodded, eyes gleaming with interest.

Jim began setting up the board, giving himself white. "This is going to take a bit of imagination, and I'm going to need you to just roll with it, okay? No logical protests," he said. "Now. All the pieces are living, sentient people, with their own free will."

Spock arched an eyebrow. "Even the rooks?"

Jim nodded. "Even the rooks."

"Does this affect our ability to dictate their moves?"

"No, not at all. We are their gods."

"Suppose one of the pieces was an atheist."

"Ah, now you're thinking." Jim grinned. "Standard rules still apply. If your piece breaks a rule, they have to be able to justify it. You can't just break rules for the sake of getting ahead. There has to be a logical reason and defense for it."

"Please demonstrate."

"Let's play for a while first. I'll explain when an opportunity to do so arises." He moved a knight-- an opener he relied on  _way_ too heavily.

At the minute and a half mark, Jim found one of his pawns to be set directly in front of Spock's knight. Unable to capture, but...

"This pawn is a horse thief."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Yep. Yeah, he's a rancher with no horses. Reckon it's about time he stole one. Like the one your knight has right there, ha  _HA!"_ He snatched Spock's knight right off the board. "That pawn is a knight now, because he has a horse. I have three knights."

Spock frowned. "I see," he said. "You realize there is more to knighthood then simply having a horse, and in addition, horse thievery is a hanging offense. I demand that your third knight be executed for his unchivalrous ways."

"No."

"You cannot refuse. Your kingdom will have a war on its hands if it tries."

"Buddy, we are already at war. There's only so much war we can have. You want him executed, then do it yourself."

"Very well," Spock said. "My fallen knight's brother-- the other knight-- flies across the board with the aid of a witch to avenge his brethren's death." He picked up his knight and took out Jim's pawn/knight hybrid with a flourish. Jim gasped dramatically.

"Oh, it is  _on,"_ he grinned.

* * *

"This pawn has found Jesus."

Spock's brow furrowed. "Which game piece is Jesus?"

"Uh, Jesus isn't here, physically, but he's in my pawn's heart."

"How does that benefit anyone? Is not the pawn supposed to regard  _you_ as a god? Are you saying he has gone rogue?"

"No, no." Jim waved a hand through the air. "But he's a Christian now, and a member of the clergy, and therefore a bishop."

"Ah," Spock said. "Well, my bishop has found a dragon."

"What?"

"The bishop has tamed and befriended the dragon, and is now flying across the board on it to incinerate your queen."

"Oh my god!" Jim cried, laughing. "Damn, I didn't think you'd actually be good at this."

Spock's eyes twinkled. "I did learn from the best."

Jim smiled, but it was really more of a smirk.

* * *

"What is that?" Spock asked.

"A thimble. It's an Earth sewing thing; you put it over your thumb so you aren't constantly stabbing yourself with a needle."

"Why do you have it?"

"For the game, obviously, Spock, it's--"

"Negative. What I meant was why do you own a thimble? Surely such a device is archaic in the twenty-third century."

"Only if you don't sew."

"You sew?"

"Yeah, kind of have to. Quartermaster says I've exceeded my allowance of shirts for the year. I either keep patching up the ones I have or I run around shirtless." He chuckled.

It might have been his imagination, but Spock looked just slightly green at the idea.

"Okay," Jim said. "So the thimble. First of all, it's not a thimble. It's a rook. My other rooks have been building it in secret for a long time now. It's the ultimate rook, completely unstoppable, better, stronger, faster, than any other rook."

"All rooks are de facto equal in abilities, Captain. It is impossible for your rook to be stronger and faster than my rooks."

"First of all, you will address it as the Super-Rook. Second of all, you can call me Jim."

* * *

Jim had captured eleven of Spock's pieces. Spock had only captured seven of Jim's. The game was drawing to a close, theoretically, if such a thing could even be predicted in a game like this.

"You looked away from the board," Spock said.

Jim froze.

"As we have already established that time passes differently within the chess realm, the 4.7 seconds you looked away were actually their equivalent in months, and during that time, all of my captured pieces dug a tunnel out of your dungeon and have returned to the battlefield."

He scooped up all his pieces and set them down on the board wherever the hell he felt like, putting Jim's king in a neat little trap.

"Checkmate in two moves," he said. "You cannot avoid or escape this."

"Who says I'm trying to?" Jim asked, then moved the pawn that was his last line of defense.

"You cannot put yourself in check," Spock said.

"Maybe that pawn doesn't care what happens to the king."

"That is illogical."

"Take the king, Spock."

He did, slowly. "Checkmate," he said, but it almost sounded like a question.

"Ha ha! Joke's on you, loser! My kingdom revolted years ago to overthrow the monarchy and replace it with a representative democracy! The nation is alive and well, you just got rid of the stupid puppet figurehead ruler.  _Vive la revolution!"_

Spock's mouth dropped open slightly, then snapped back closed into a pursed line. "Very well," he said. "I did not want to have to do this, but I will if I must. My queen has been trained in the dark magical arts, and she unleashes the curse of a plague upon your lands."

Jim gasped. "Wow. Biological warfare? Low blow, Spock, low blow."

"I believe I was forced into it."

"You literally were not, but okay," he said. "So what now? All my pieces are just dead?"

"Correct."

"Wow. Okay," he said. He grinned and clapped his opponent on the shoulder. "Congrats, Spock, it turns out you  _can_ beat me!"

Spock's lips thinned, but Jim swore he saw laughter in his eyes.


End file.
